Awkward Confessions of a Not-So-Reformed Dork

It's bound to happen from time to time.  As a writer, I've committed to, well, write....but some days, I draw a blank.  I've learned not to force it since inspiration is sure to be just around the corner. 

All day I've drawn a blank.  Then, tonight as I settled in to sitting with my laptop and my banana split dinner, I stumbled upon the very inspiration I needed.

I read something so horrible, so egregious, it had me spewing a mixture of spit and banana split at my poor, innocent laptop.  It was only the messenger and I just about killed it.  (I ought to have taken my anger out on my upstairs flower boxes filled with weeds.) 

Rolling Stone has just released its 'Worst 10 Songs of the 90s.'

Great.  Light, easy read right?  WRONG!  It had me remembering a simpler time when ignorance of my own 'inner' geek was really obvious to everyone else.  It made me cringe and cry out in shame.  Here's the notables...

First one:  'Barbie Girl' by Aqua.  Okay, okay.  Yeah, that one was really bad.  I accepted this when it came out.  Although, it was only shortly before it became a hit that I admitted such an aspiration to live in a pink house adorned with quilted picture frames, taffeta drapery and a fluffy white poodle was not conducive to marrying a man.  

The second one had me spitting nails and...hanging my head in shame.  'The Macarena'.  No argument there.  No self respecting adult would ever admit now to still being able to do that one in their sleep.  (Come on, you know you can.)  That's not what had me so agitated.  It was the fact that the very mention of this song thrust me back in time.  It was 1996.  I went home to attend my high school's prom with my friend.  I had graduated a year before and thought that made me exempt from being a total moron.  Well...I probably should've rethought that one. 

There I was, on the floor spazzing out like a crazy fool.  Unfortunately, due to reinventing 'the freshmen fifteen' to make it more the 'the freshman twenty' my dress that previously fit my hourglass figure perfectly was about 2 sizes too tight.  My date wasn't so keen on making a fool of himself.  He was much more dignified.  Then it happened.  'The Macarena' came on.  It was still so new yet somehow, being all collegy and in-the-know, I knew the dance.  I got on the floor, surrounded by observers and proceeded to dance the routine with perfection.  I don't know who I feel worse for...me, or the poor saps who followed along...many of them friends who probably felt a little awkward for me being the only one dancing.  

Oh the pain!  The horrible, shameful agony! 

Given that it was revealed to be a song about a cheap prostitute, it was immediately precluded from the song list at all the LDS Institute dances forever more...thankfully saving me from further self-inflicted humiliation.  

Third:  'Ice Ice Baby':  No comment other than expressing my appreciation to that song for teaching me 'The Running Man"...then my indignation over not being able to get that stupid song out of my head.

Fourth:  'Achy Breaky Heart'...That song was illegal in my hometown anyway.

Fifth:  'Tubthumping'.  Don't even go there, RS.  I listened to that song 4 times (make that 5 times) while typing this post...and I'm not that ashamed of myself.  Though, yes, I will admit it was probably written while the band was totally and completely liquored up. 

Sixth: 'MmmmmBop':  Squeaky clean family bands are so underrated.  Seriously.  Turn it on, crank it up and roll down the windows.  It has the power to make you happy.  What's so cheesy about that?  Obviously not written while on a bender...perhaps on a serious kool-aid and pixie stix sugar high but that one came from someone completely sober...otherwise I'm pretty sure their parents would have been incarcerated.

Seventh:   'My Heart Will Go On': Still getting over a mortal fear of sailing across the Atlantic Ocean over that one.  The only problem with that song was it was over-played TO DEATH and then put on a defibrillator and revived only to be played to death again.  This process was repeated 3,456,208 times.

Eighth:  It should have been #1.  'Who Let the Dogs Out?'  Unfortunately, no one will ever know the answer to this cosmic question.  However, please spay and/or neuter your dog so next time the trauma to society won't be so devastating.    

Ninth:  'I'm too Sexy'  I was still too young to know what 'sexy' meant to appreciate that song.  I will say this though, based solely on the clothes the singers were wearing while chortling out the lines of that song, I'm not sure I wanted to be.

Tenth:  'What's Up?'  I HATED THIS SONG WITH THE PASSION OF 1,000 nuclear blasts.  Hated it!  Although, there was a part of my squeaky clean self that really wanted to wear my hair in micro braids and pierce my nose with a chain that connected to my earring.  I was pretty sure my mother would've frowned upon that one so I stuck with piercing the top of my ear with an ice cube and a sewing knitting.  Somehow, it just wasn't as cool.

Thank you, Rolling Stone for the inspiration and emotional walk down memory lane.  I commend you for illustrating good taste in some of your choices.  For the others and reminding me of the origins of my dorkiness, blow it out your ear!