13 years ago I was a different person. I was lost, confused and I felt so alone.
In the past year, I had broken off a very toxic relationship (and when I say toxic, I take full responsibility for my part of the poison but recognize the need to be merciful to myself and not allow me to take the part that wasn't.) Then, promptly destroyed a perfectly fantastic friendship by rebounding into a romantic relationship that was doomed to fail.
Heartsick and exhausted, I questioned everything about who I was and despised myself for what I had put others through in trying to figure my life out. At the end of that year, I didn't know much of anything, with the exception of 2 things:
1. God loved me, even if I didn't.
2. The main reason my past relationships failed was because of the fact that I was completely and utterly in love with a boy who I compared every one of my boyfriends too.
The trouble was, I spent a vast majority of the time we had together completely taking him for granted. I was terribly inconsiderate and clueless to his feelings; and it was around this tumultuous time when I discovered how much hurt I had inflicted upon him throughout the years. He had gone on with his life, graduating high school and then leaving for 2 years to serve as a missionary for our church in Great Britain.
In other words, I had 2 years to think about what I wanted to do with my life and ponder what consequences would come from my impervious cluelessness before I could know whether or not I had completely blown it with him.
As part of my effort to 'regroup', I went on a vacation to Florida with my family. We had relatives who worked for Disney so we got to spend a week there, touring the parks. It had been so long since I got to just 'hang out' with my baby brothers with no other school or work commitments. The change of scenery was nice.
One of the most memorable parts of our vacation was Epcot's World Showcase which is an exhibit that includes a representation of several countries from around the world. It has shops, rides and buildings inspired by each of the represented countries. It quickly became my very favorite part of Epcot.
When we came to 'Great Britain', I thought of my boy, who I technically couldn't call 'my boy'. Mercifully, we could still write to each other as friends so my mom took a picture of me in 'Great Britain' to send to him. We were all thrilled with the irony and considered ourselves very clever.
The followings months I continued to wonder if he could ever forgive me. Was there even a chance for us or was I too late in appreciating what a gift he had been to my life? Could his family, after knowing what I put him through ever forgive me too?
That's who I was 13 years ago.
This past Saturday, I went back to Epcot. We got to ride in what Bunny calls 'The Gigantic Golf Ball' and Mission:Space. We even played in Tinkerbell's garden. Oh what fun was had by all!
It was dusk by the time we approached 'Great Britain'. It has changed from when I was there last; new features, different greenery. I shouldn't have been that surprised. I had changed too, after all.
As we meandered through the UK, I immediately saw it. It was the corner where my picture was taken 13 years earlier. It took my breath away to consider what those 13 years had done to both of us. I'm pretty sure millions of people have walked past that unassuming corner since then. As for the changes in me, my hair is darker, gravity has begun its universal magic and my hips are a bit wider...subtle things still really. Nothing terribly monumental.
You may wonder if those years have been kind.
To be honest, yes. Very.
All I need for reaffirmation is to look at the faces of my little girls and their handsome daddy, whom I love more than any other man I've ever known...
Who to me, no matter how much time passes, will always be 'my boy'.
In the past year, I had broken off a very toxic relationship (and when I say toxic, I take full responsibility for my part of the poison but recognize the need to be merciful to myself and not allow me to take the part that wasn't.) Then, promptly destroyed a perfectly fantastic friendship by rebounding into a romantic relationship that was doomed to fail.
Heartsick and exhausted, I questioned everything about who I was and despised myself for what I had put others through in trying to figure my life out. At the end of that year, I didn't know much of anything, with the exception of 2 things:
1. God loved me, even if I didn't.
2. The main reason my past relationships failed was because of the fact that I was completely and utterly in love with a boy who I compared every one of my boyfriends too.
The trouble was, I spent a vast majority of the time we had together completely taking him for granted. I was terribly inconsiderate and clueless to his feelings; and it was around this tumultuous time when I discovered how much hurt I had inflicted upon him throughout the years. He had gone on with his life, graduating high school and then leaving for 2 years to serve as a missionary for our church in Great Britain.
In other words, I had 2 years to think about what I wanted to do with my life and ponder what consequences would come from my impervious cluelessness before I could know whether or not I had completely blown it with him.
As part of my effort to 'regroup', I went on a vacation to Florida with my family. We had relatives who worked for Disney so we got to spend a week there, touring the parks. It had been so long since I got to just 'hang out' with my baby brothers with no other school or work commitments. The change of scenery was nice.
One of the most memorable parts of our vacation was Epcot's World Showcase which is an exhibit that includes a representation of several countries from around the world. It has shops, rides and buildings inspired by each of the represented countries. It quickly became my very favorite part of Epcot.
When we came to 'Great Britain', I thought of my boy, who I technically couldn't call 'my boy'. Mercifully, we could still write to each other as friends so my mom took a picture of me in 'Great Britain' to send to him. We were all thrilled with the irony and considered ourselves very clever.
The followings months I continued to wonder if he could ever forgive me. Was there even a chance for us or was I too late in appreciating what a gift he had been to my life? Could his family, after knowing what I put him through ever forgive me too?
That's who I was 13 years ago.
This past Saturday, I went back to Epcot. We got to ride in what Bunny calls 'The Gigantic Golf Ball' and Mission:Space. We even played in Tinkerbell's garden. Oh what fun was had by all!
It was dusk by the time we approached 'Great Britain'. It has changed from when I was there last; new features, different greenery. I shouldn't have been that surprised. I had changed too, after all.
As we meandered through the UK, I immediately saw it. It was the corner where my picture was taken 13 years earlier. It took my breath away to consider what those 13 years had done to both of us. I'm pretty sure millions of people have walked past that unassuming corner since then. As for the changes in me, my hair is darker, gravity has begun its universal magic and my hips are a bit wider...subtle things still really. Nothing terribly monumental.
You may wonder if those years have been kind.
To be honest, yes. Very.
All I need for reaffirmation is to look at the faces of my little girls and their handsome daddy, whom I love more than any other man I've ever known...
Who to me, no matter how much time passes, will always be 'my boy'.
4 comments:
Oh, to look back and know you have come so far and are so much wiser and more refined by your experiences. All the things you have learned and applied have made a lovely, beautiful you that we all know, admire and love!!!
Thank goodness the good men are patient with us.
Awh! Great post!
I love other people's love stories! I know the part where you two got back together might not be something you want to share, but if it's not too personal you should post that story, too. Inquiring minds want to know!
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