Eating Sea Monkeys...and Liking It!

We're not big meat eaters in our home. I grew up with meat and potatoes whereas He-Man was raised on beans and rice. Somehow, in the past decade we've managed to gravitate to eating green-food, eggs, beans and grains and lots of potatoes and pasta. While we haven't completely eliminated meat from our diet, it's generally not the center of our meal.

Naturally, we're healthier for it too. We love salads and roasted potatoes. We eat quinoa and several other of the more obscure grains and we love sandwiches stuffed to the max with veggies. Luckily, we tend to like the same kinds of foods even if that means those foods are prepared a little differently for each person.

That is, except for one thing.

Sea food.

I LOVE seafood. Give me sushi or sashimi that has barely stopped squirming and I'm a happy girl. Throw a little bit of rice and a generous blob of wasabi on a bed of seaweed and I'm so giddy, I'd even pretend to be dignified by eating it with chopsticks.

I'd eat it in one form or another everyday if I could.

But I can't.

Because with the exception of an occasional willingness to eat salmon (and that's only with some members), my family won't touch anything that lived within close proximity to the ocean; Not even with a sterilized and glitter covered ten-foot pole that could then be used as the awesomest magical wand EVER.

No one dislikes it more than He-Man. It's like his kryptonite. He gags. He dry heaves. He gasps and plugs his nose whenever he's near seafood in any form.

About 7 years ago, he took me to Red Lobster for my birthday. My birthday twin, Lindsay, and I were feted by our husbands with lobster and shrimp and a whole lotta cheddar biscuits.

It was glorious. And with as much as He-Man loathes fish, I knew he really, really loved me.

I guess I was having the 7 year itch because for months, I was craving Red Lobster again. Out of respect for my husband, I decided to wait until he was out of town to treat myself and our girls to a date at a restaurant and in the meantime, attempt to change their impressionable little minds about seafood.

The following pretty much sums up the experience:

(As we pull up to a parking spot) Bunny: "Mom. I forgot my shoes and socks."

Mom: "Well, usually you leave another pair in the car. Wanna check under the seat?" (Before remembering I had just cleaned out the car the day before)

Bunny: "Nope"

Mom: "Okay. I'll carry you in. Sunshine, will you please carry Ruby?"

(walk through the front doors)

(Squeals in unison, lots of voices) "Oh Momma, look how cute these Lobsters are! Oh look! One is looking at me! Oh, how silly they are...they must have been honking each others' noses so they put rubber bands on their hands!"

(Sunshine stops dead in her tracks and the color fades from her face as she whispers, away from the others): "Mom. These lobsters are going to be eaten, aren't they?"

Hostess: "Please follow me. I'll show you to your seat"

(Sunshine shoots deadly dagger looks towards the chefs in the kitchen)

Bunny: "Momma! They gave us 4 crayons to color on the menu. I'll have macaroni and cheese."

Mom: "Well, actually Honey, we're going to try something new today."

Bunny: "Okay. But what?"

Mom: "Something called Garlic Shrimp Scampi".

Bunny: "Ewwww. That's gross, Mom."

Lulu: "Yeah. I don't like Shimp Garlic...blah!" (sticks out her tongue)

(The tugging at the other side of my shirt becomes increasingly more desperate)

Sunshine (eyes filled with tears): Red Lobster is so cruel! Look at these cute cartoon lobsters, (pointing to the menu) and all Red Lobster wants to do is eat them!" (tear trickles down her face)

Mom: "How about this: Let's start with salad and some yummy cheddar biscuits."

Sunshine: "No way! They probably have helpless ground-up baby seahorses in them." (wiping the tears from her eyes)

Mom: "Would it make you feel better if I promised not to order the Lobster?"

(Sunshine nods as fresh tears begin)

(Salad comes out and it's time to order)

Mom (over enthusiastically): "Alright girls, how about we have some shrimp?"

Bunny: "No Way!"

Lulu: (vigorous head shake)

Sunshine (with a look of great indignation): "Momma. I'm not eating shrimp. They're the sea's monkeys and I do not eat monkeys."

(At this point I realize there's not much I'm going to get away with and, after placing my word of honor on not eating a bottom-dwelling Cretaceous scavenger, I made an executive decision: french fries all around, steamed veggies, fruit bowls and Garlic Shrimp and Snow Crab Legs for everyone to share.)

As we waited for our meal, the girls ate their weight in cheddar biscuits as Ruby created a fairly impressive pile of pulverized biscuit crumbs beneath her chair all while we discussied the inappropriate uses for the little sugar packets at the center of the table.

Just as the girls were getting antsy, our angel of seafood mercy (or horsewoman of the apocalypse, depending on who you ask) brought over our tray.

(Glorious exclamations of praise and enjoyment over the french fries, fruit and steamed veggies. Then totally disgust as she presents the shrimp offering. But nothing will compare with the next dish...)

Imagine the sound of the theme from 'JAWS' as it approached its latest lunch...

The angel/horsewoman draws closer, dish in hand, resting on her shoulder...she approaches and lays before us seemingly endless legs...with no body! And...and...they're frozen, as if in mid-stroll! And all that is left as a consolation prize is a bowl of butter and a lemon wedge!

(The hysterical wailing begins anew)

"Why? Oh Why, did they have to die?!"

Mom: "Excuse me, would you please bring dessert out right away?!"

Peace was restored once again after I allowed them to eat dessert first. And as they sat, reveling in their death-by-chocolate-cake and ice cream, they would occasionally glance in my direction with a mixture of horror and curiosity while watching me open the crab legs with the cracking tool.

It made me feel totally barbaric.

Eventually, everyone got their fill of french fries, ice cream and steamed veggies AND only one of us felt it necessary to stick several fries into her facial orifices. There were no more uncontrollable sobs or fits of rage toward Sea Monkey eaters...just an eventual end to meal.

As we passed the pool where that night's dinner sat, I saw Sunshine fight back tears and swallow, really hard. When we walked out the door, she breathed a huge sigh of relief and exclaimed, "Phew! Let's never go there again!"

Bunny: "Yeah, Mom! Sunshine's right!"

Lulu: "Yeah! Never, ever, anymore!"

Well, there you have it. Apparently, I will continue to be the sole Sea Monkey killer in our family while the rest of them become the future heads of PETA.