My Testimony and what I believe...

Since I started this blog in July, I have wanted to express, in writing, what I believe. I have spent many hours thinking about what to say and often felt the time wasn't right. I am not afraid to vocalize what I believe; just afraid that someone I love may think that I don't value their beliefs so I have always found it difficult to express the things I hold so sacred.

I am and always will be a Mormon, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Growing up, in many circles I was considered a 'goody-goody' and at times I tried really hard to prove this wrong by actually inhaling the smoke of a burning tumbleweed (YUCK), using some of the foulest language I could think up and finding the most public and obnoxious places to kiss my boyfriends. Unfortunately, I just came across as a hypocrite.

A few years later, when I figured out who I wanted to be, and chose to cling for dear life to the religion that become everything to me, a friend announced she was getting married. I was thrilled for her. I wanted nothing more for her than to be blissfully happy. When I asked her the details, there seemed to, almost immediately, be a wall and she stated, "I'm not getting married in the temple, if that is what you mean". (An LDS temple is where marriages are performed. We believe that these marriages do not end when this life does). I was devastated because my friend actually thought I would judge her for her decision. I didn't know what to say and I am afraid my silence may have confirmed, in her mind, the misconception.

I never want the people I love to ever question the respect I hold for them regardless of ideals, values or religious beliefs. I just don't want anyone to question what I believe. So here it is:

**I believe that my Heavenly Father loves me. I see it all around me; the smiles on my daughters' faces, the fragrance of flowers, butterflies, He-Man's laugh, music, the taste of sunkissed berries, fresh from the vine tomatoes. the color yellow, the rush of wind through the trees, rain, the gentle tickle of a rollie-pollie bug...I could go on and on.

**I believe that families can be together forever. I can't bare the thought of this life without that hope. One day in June, a couple of years ago, I turned 30 years old. The same day our beautiful niece, Hannah was born. She was 24 weeks gestation. She lived for 20 minutes and quietly passed from this life in her daddy's arms. Later that day, as we brought her big brother to the hospital I had the opportunity to cradle that perfect, little girl in my hands. Transcending the profound sense of loss that permeated the air, was the peace that this was not the last we would see of this child. She would always be part of the family and we would see her again.


When He-Man was serving a mission for the LDS church I was struggling to find myself spiritually. I had just ended an engagement to a very nice man weeks before we were to wed. I couldn't understand why it wasn't right and spent a lot of time being really confused. As an escape, my mom and I took a road trip to the Mall of America. After spending several weeks in Minnesota and coming home with newly acquired lip gloss I paid way too much for and a salmon colored cardigan from the GAP, I was pondering what was next in my life. Somewhere between North and South Dakota, my mom was asleep in the passenger seat. I was asking myself a lot of 'why' questions when one single answer explained the last year of my life. My previous engagement didn't work because I was absolutely, inclandestinedly in love with He-Man. At the very least, I needed to find out if we could be something more.

I couldn't do anything to find out until he returned home so I would have to be patient. Sadly, after only a few wears, I left my super expensive lip gloss in my jeans pocket and lost both it and my cardigan in the laundry drying cycle but happily, I married the man of my dreams shortly after he came home. I couldn't bare the thought of not being with him forever. He is my match in every way.

*I believe in truth. It is warm, like light. It can be found all over this world. I also believe when we earnestly seek it, we will find it. God has a way of putting truth in our paths. It comes from so many places. It can be found in art, in the written word (ever read "A Christmas Carol" or "The Screwtape Letters"?), in the lives of people from every nation, kindred and country, and in the little, everyday actions of your neighbor. Part of the challenge of this life is searching for knowledge and doing your best not to turn away from it.

*I believe in the Book of Mormon. I also believe in the Bible. I can not see how these two testaments of our Savior, Jesus Christ, could possible contradict each other. In fact, to me, they compliment each other simply and beautifully. I believe they stand as witnesses that Jesus Christ is the reason we are here and has made everything good and lasting in this life possible.

*I believe in prophets of God. Why would a loving God only speak to people anciently? He speaks to us now, individually and collectively. He guides us through personal revelation and the mouths of prophets.

*I believe in Redemption of myself and others. Words can not describe the hurt I once experienced because of someone who claimed to be my friend. Upon meeting this woman, I immediately felt like we were destined to be friends. She had so many talents and abilities I always admired. She had suffered great loss in her life and I desperately wanted to help her in some way. Throughout our acquaintance ideas would pop into my head of how I could serve her and remind her she was loved. Often these efforts would be rebuffed and occasionally very hurtful words were said. Added to the situation was that we had to work closely together in the community in which we lived and had many of the same friends. Eventually, after a very tumultuous 'friendship' we agreed that our ties would be severed. Shortly afterward, we both relocated and haven't spoken since.

For a time I found myself a little angry when I would think about her. I guess I had 98% forgiven her for the hurtful things but still there was a tiny 2% of me that continued to harbor pain from the experience. I lead a happy life so that little 2% grudge started to bother me after awhile. I never want to look back on a past relationship and harbor ill-will so I began praying for a little perspective. Then I had an epiphany.

In the heat of anger and frustration I said some horrible things too. She was quite possibly left as hurt and as angry as I was. I may have been devastated by her words and actions but I was certainly no victim in the situation. I needed forgiveness just as much as I needed to give it. That was the first step.

The second step came after much thoughtful prayer. I needed to let go of any perceived right to a 'justified' grudge. I couldn't allow myself to think badly of this beautiful, gifted daughter of God. After months of spiritual wrestling, it happened. I had forgiven her for the perceived wounds I acquired and I forgave myself for the part I played in a missed opportunity for friendship.

I can not profess to completely understand the intricacies of redemption and forgiveness. It requires a power much above my own. What I do know is that it is an active choice that requires constant re commitment. I truly hope I can always remember that.

*I believe that every human being on this planet is born with their own unique beauty. There have been, throughout time, individuals who have extinguished their own beauty by the monstrosities they have committed against others BUT I choose to believe that a vast majority of people are trying to do good.

I believe many more things, but here is a good start...and a very long blog.