Other People's Bodily Fluids...aka Why Moms MUST Have Hand Sanitizer At All Times...

This post is not for the squeamish or the easily grossed out.

It REALLY isn't.

I promise.

Okay, you've been warned.

Tis the month to celebrate mothers. I was feted on Mother's Day with breakfast in bed, a constant stream of homemade sonnets and cards, bright plastic bead jewlery and flannel flower corsages. It was lovely. Those sweet, heartfelt expressions of love made me want to do more to deserve such adoration. It was a happy day.

I found it utterly ironic how the following week's 'gifts' came in completely different packages...

One of our unnamed children was showing signs of a UTI so it was off to the Pediatrician we went...

Kid #1: "Mom, will Kid #2 have to pee in a cup?"

Me: "Yeah" (Kid #2's face is contorted into an expression of confusion mixed with morbid fascination)

Kid #2: "Do I get to keep it?"

Me: "No. I'm pretty sure it's illegal to do that in at least 40 of the 50 states."

Kid #2: "That would have been cool to do a Science Experiment with it though."

Me (thinking): DO NOT get any ideas...(saying this out loud would only give them ideas.)

Once at the Pediatrician's office:

Nurse: "Here's the cup. Mom, you may want to go in with her."

Kid #3: "Can I come too?"

Me: Absolutely Not.

Once within the privacy of the bathroom and prepared for duty:

Me: (strategically holding the specimen cup) "Okay honey, Ready? Go."

Nothing.

Kid #2: "Mom, it's kind of tricky going to the bathroom like this."

Me: "I know. Just take a deep breath and concentrate."

That worked...

Me: "Good job, Sweetie. I think we may need to work on your aim a little bit." (said in a "drippy, wiping myself dry" sort of way)

A few minutes later...

Good news! No UTI! ($40 later)

Kids #1, #2, #3: "Can we have a sucker?!"

Kid #4: (anxious grunts and reaching)

Me: Sure! (I unwrap the suckers and Kid #4 immediately chomps and pulls her sucker from it's stick).

The Drooling begins...

Then the choking...

The scary kind. The quiet kind.

Me: (Thinking to myself) Stay calm. You've practiced this before. Upside down baby, followed by thwaps on the back.

Kid #4: Still struggling. Some crying. A little coughing. A LOT of gagging.

Office staff and Pediatrician run toward Kid #4.

Finally crying. Really MAD crying. Like, You-Just-Stole-My-Sucker crying.

More Gagging..and slobber...and now snot...all being wiped onto my brand new lemon yellow shirt.

Then it came. One big, juicy burp-gag and the remnants of lunch and our berry smoothie came up, out and onto my, no longer lemon-yellow, shirt.

I was dripping great, big slimy chunks of partially digested strawberries. Kid #4 was furious.

Kid #1: "Uh, Mom...You have puke on your shirt."

Me: "Thank you, Captain Obvious."

Kid #1: (grossed out but still giggling)

Kid #2: "You kind of smell like throw-up."

Kid #3: "Momma?"

Me: "Yes"

Kid #3: "Do I have to hold your hand in the parking lot?"

Me: "Not this time, Sweetie."

Kid #4 settles down and I load up the van, careful not to touch anything upholstered.

As I drove home, with the sun baking the globs of goo through the window, I realized I had never been so grateful for vomit in my entire life. This realization made the smell a little more bearable.

To top it all off:
Today, as I placed Kid #4 on a yoga mat to offer a softer place to be changed on, I watched in slow motion horror as an unprecedented blow-out began oozing out of a completely useless diaper...onto the yoga mat.

Kid #2: "Awww man...and that was my yoga mat too!"

Me: (Helpless Sigh)

And so it is the month of celebrated motherhood; the month when we get to ponder upon the many situations where we fearlessly go in where the bombs are dropping. We catch pee for samples, offer a soft and comforting place to vomit, and can disinfect sports equipment faster than a speeding bullet.

It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it. Barring the bodily fluids, I feel pretty lucky it's me. I wouldn't have it any other way.