First of all, I'm pleased to announce the winner of my March drawing is none other than Karen Woolston! Congrats, Girl! You should be expecting a little something uniquely Floridian in the mail soon.
I saw an announcement today on the news that two of the longest running daytime soap operas will be permanently signing off in the next few months.
Apparently, that leaves 4 left.
It's the end of an era of sorts.
Not that I'm gasping for air or anything since I never was allowed to watch soaps growing up...except for that one summer in junior high...
I was old enough to start babysitting so I often found myself watching sleeping children during naptime. Of course, being the normal pubescent teenager that I was, I would have rather gouged my eyes out with a nail file than read a book. Instead, I did something slightly more damaging: I got hooked on Soap Operas.
I was fascinated by this new fangled concept of watching over-dramatic beautiful people carry on the way they did. Why on earth did my Momma keep me from such culture?! All the people were flawless, owned sprawling estates with spiral staircases AND, as an added bonus, they inherited a brand-new half sibling every season. How cool is that?! Nevermind the awkwardness of discovering your marriage is now illegal and significantly disturbing (although that would explain why their baby was born with a third ear.)
They lived in towns like 'Mystic Springs Hollyoak Manor' or 'Port Passion'. They went on vacations to exotic deserted islands only to discover that it was the secret base for the FBI. Of course, those vacationers would then be recruited as secret agents to fight against the evil Angelo who happened to be Frulookistan's Mob Boss. I didn't even know Frulookistan had a mob! Inevitably, one of the suddenly adept recruits would accidentally fall hormonally in love with Angelo's dashingly handsome son who, for some inexplicable reason, couldn't keep a shirt on his bulging chest and stomach muscles. Coincidentally, the two managed to get locked in a janitor's closet at the local pizzeria. And, all of these scenarios played out over no less than 9 and a half months.
Unfortunately, my summer break only lasted 3. At first I was bit worried that I'd miss something since there was NO WAY my mother would ever let me record soap operas on our VCR. How surprised I was the following summer when I discovered they were still right about where I got off the crazy daytime television train the summer before.
By then I was a cheerleader, a freshman in high school and had absolutely no time to watch TV. Although, I would carry the lessons I learned from that summer while living my life through the flawless people of "One Life For All My Many, Many Illegitimate Children".
As a homage to the daytime dramas of yesteryear, and a salute to their pending sign-offs, I thought I'd impart the wisdom I gained during my hours glued to their programs. (Granted, these valuable lessons are certainly not limited to the following):
I saw an announcement today on the news that two of the longest running daytime soap operas will be permanently signing off in the next few months.
Apparently, that leaves 4 left.
It's the end of an era of sorts.
Not that I'm gasping for air or anything since I never was allowed to watch soaps growing up...except for that one summer in junior high...
I was old enough to start babysitting so I often found myself watching sleeping children during naptime. Of course, being the normal pubescent teenager that I was, I would have rather gouged my eyes out with a nail file than read a book. Instead, I did something slightly more damaging: I got hooked on Soap Operas.
I was fascinated by this new fangled concept of watching over-dramatic beautiful people carry on the way they did. Why on earth did my Momma keep me from such culture?! All the people were flawless, owned sprawling estates with spiral staircases AND, as an added bonus, they inherited a brand-new half sibling every season. How cool is that?! Nevermind the awkwardness of discovering your marriage is now illegal and significantly disturbing (although that would explain why their baby was born with a third ear.)
They lived in towns like 'Mystic Springs Hollyoak Manor' or 'Port Passion'. They went on vacations to exotic deserted islands only to discover that it was the secret base for the FBI. Of course, those vacationers would then be recruited as secret agents to fight against the evil Angelo who happened to be Frulookistan's Mob Boss. I didn't even know Frulookistan had a mob! Inevitably, one of the suddenly adept recruits would accidentally fall hormonally in love with Angelo's dashingly handsome son who, for some inexplicable reason, couldn't keep a shirt on his bulging chest and stomach muscles. Coincidentally, the two managed to get locked in a janitor's closet at the local pizzeria. And, all of these scenarios played out over no less than 9 and a half months.
Unfortunately, my summer break only lasted 3. At first I was bit worried that I'd miss something since there was NO WAY my mother would ever let me record soap operas on our VCR. How surprised I was the following summer when I discovered they were still right about where I got off the crazy daytime television train the summer before.
By then I was a cheerleader, a freshman in high school and had absolutely no time to watch TV. Although, I would carry the lessons I learned from that summer while living my life through the flawless people of "One Life For All My Many, Many Illegitimate Children".
As a homage to the daytime dramas of yesteryear, and a salute to their pending sign-offs, I thought I'd impart the wisdom I gained during my hours glued to their programs. (Granted, these valuable lessons are certainly not limited to the following):
1. There is no such thing as venereal disease in 'Port Passion'.
2. With as much as soap characters talk to themselves, most of them probably ought to be certifiably committed. I'm just sayin'.
3. Unless you see cold, hard evidence that your husband has been 'offed' for good, never, ever assume he's gone forever because he'll pop up in a moment you least expect him. The soap opera world has an amazing recurrence of maniacal evil twins, brain transplants and bouts of amnesia. (You'd think you'd remember being dismembered...who knew?!)
4. Kissing must always include flailing arms, passionate face sucking and smooshing bodies together. Halitosis, over salivation and smeared lipstick do not exist.
And Finally:
5. Why do anything in a calm and rational manner when you can blow everything way out of proportion? If it ever gets too intense, make a smoldering facial expression and wait 3 1/2 minutes for a commercial break on adult incontinence.
Sayonara, Soapies...may your obnoxiously endless plots finally see an end with Fabio grasping some lady with really long hair silhouetted against a golden sunset.
2. With as much as soap characters talk to themselves, most of them probably ought to be certifiably committed. I'm just sayin'.
3. Unless you see cold, hard evidence that your husband has been 'offed' for good, never, ever assume he's gone forever because he'll pop up in a moment you least expect him. The soap opera world has an amazing recurrence of maniacal evil twins, brain transplants and bouts of amnesia. (You'd think you'd remember being dismembered...who knew?!)
4. Kissing must always include flailing arms, passionate face sucking and smooshing bodies together. Halitosis, over salivation and smeared lipstick do not exist.
And Finally:
5. Why do anything in a calm and rational manner when you can blow everything way out of proportion? If it ever gets too intense, make a smoldering facial expression and wait 3 1/2 minutes for a commercial break on adult incontinence.
Sayonara, Soapies...may your obnoxiously endless plots finally see an end with Fabio grasping some lady with really long hair silhouetted against a golden sunset.
7 comments:
Ah ha, perhaps this can explain the "Drama Queen" tendencies, then again, maybe not. BTW, where was I when all this 'soaping' was going on?
HAHAHAHA!!! I can so relate to this post except I was an adult when I started watching General Hospital. It lasted for about a year and then it got old! But I was defintely NOT aloud to watch! So funny.
I too was sucked into the soap operas for awhile when I was a young mother. It only took one of my young ones after school one day to ask about a character's reaction to some horrific event to jettison them forever !
LOL, good one, Trishelle.
Love this! I (growing up outside of the church) grew up on soaps, and still watch them from time to time if I am absolutely in need of mindless distraction. My mom was horrified to discover that her favorite of over 30 years is being canceled. Alas, the story lines will finally come to an end, as any good story does.
I can't help but wonder what will replace them. Another Dr. Oz or Dr. Phil-type show? Personally, I'd prefer to see tanned, rippling pectorals on an attractive guy who is making eyes at a beautiful girl, over real life drama sometimes. Isn't that why soaps were created? To give lonely housewives a way to escape reality?
But then I've never been a lonely housewife. :)
Bwhahaha!, I heard about that too... my response to the news: "Huh, finally."
My mother used to watch several soap operas each day so I was naturally drawn in. It wasn't till I found myself with several wee ones who needed my attention that I kicked my habit. I found that I could go without watching a soap for months and then turn one on to find the story stuck almost in the same spot...only one or two of the characters would be married to someone new AND the infants on the program just a few months before were now teenagers. (I hate how that happens!) Wow! With Oprah and soaps going out...what will we do?
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