Memory Monday on Wednesday: Naked on the Nightly News...

A few months ago, I was sitting with my friend, Rhoda before a meeting, discussing her stint on the local news earlier that day. We were laughing about news appearances we've made, during which I interjected, "I was naked on the nightly news once...."

Unfortunately, that was when our meeting started and I never got to explain myself. And no, I wasn't one of those crazies attempting to bring attention to the national belly button lint problem as I ran across the local baseball field during a televised game. I don't even like baseball all that much.

I decided that the first chance I got, I'd qualify that statement. Rhoda, this one's for you.

About a decade ago, I found out I was pregnant with our first baby. The following months were filled with happiness, celebration and whole a lot of munchies, fast food I didn't have to smell cooking in my own kitchen and midnight snacks. During that time, He-Man had earned his massage therapy license and decided that before going to chiropractic school, he would further his training and specialize in prenatal massage.

Being the dutiful and supportive wife that I am, with no shred of personal interest in the matter, I stood by him %100. Okay, I didn't really stand. It was more like I laid on his newly purchased massage table expecting hours of practice.

He got the hint and when registering for a special training opportunity enthusiastically informed the visiting specialists that his wife was pregnant and already benefiting from newly learned techniques. I was in the room as they casually asked him if I would be willing to be a demonstration model for hours of massage practice, to which I, with great dignity and suaveness, obliged.

We shortly found ourselves in Salt Lake City for the training. Once there, I modeled. However, what I envisioned as hours of endless massage was actually lying on a massage table in a drafty room covered by a couple of sheets for hours, while the instructors instructed and the learners learned...with an occasional massage demonstration. It got very boring very fast.

Then I found out that the local news would be coming later that day to interview us. I was mostly excited...except for that logical little voice inside my head that was trying to remind me that I'm not awesome when it comes to on-the-spot public speaking. I'm really, really not. I squashed that voice like a little bug and said, "Self, be stunning and dazzle them with your whit and charm."

After a coat or two of extra lipstick and a fresh application of mascara, I had practiced seriously smart responses to a barrage of potential questions. And so, KSL came in with their cameras and their health investigative reporter interviewing several key members of the group.

Then they turned the cameras on me and asked me about my massage experience. With the lights and camera on my face, my brilliantly witty responses to all the radical expose questions left and my mind went blank. Like a deer with eyes hypnotized by headlights, my hair jostled and lipstick smeared on my face I stared, unable to think of anything to say.

It was at that moment as I desperately grasped for something to say, I finally replied to the question.

"It's so...

so...

alleviating"

Seriously. After all of that, that's what I came up with.

Brilliant.

The moment those words escaped my lips, I saw He-Man grimace and try to cover the pain on his face. From the camera crew and interviewer, silence.

Talk about ground breaking.

I spent the rest of the afternoon begging and praying that my naked guest appearance was cut on the editing room floor. That night I anxiously awaited the broadcast with He-Man, Jamie and Jonathan by my side. If my social life was going to end, at least I would have the support of my closest friends.

Finally 10:00 pm rolled around and I agonized as we heard the headlines and the weatherman give the weather. Finally, it was time to listen to the report, annnnndddd....commercial break.

Slow, painful death.

The moment arrived and I was watching familiar faces discussing the benefits of prenatal massage. Suddenly, the camera panned over my very large prengo belly from a very unflattering angle...then a shot of my lipstick smeared, mascara smashed face....but gratefully, NO SPEAKING PARTS! I dodged a bullet.

But only for a moment.

The rest of the evening passed with spontaneous outbursts of 'alleviating' jokes.

To this day I've never lived it down.

As an added bonus, about a month later, as I walked into the office at work, a co-worker enthusiastically greeted me with excitement over seeing me on television. She went on to marvel at how large my pregnant belly was especially considering I was only a few months along. I guess all those munchies and midnight snacks really do add ten pounds on the camera.

At least I got to keep a shred of my dignity. And that, my friends, is very alleviating indeed.