The Art of Forgiveness...

Several of you beautiful bloggers have posted past stories about hurts you've suffered and your process of forgiving such hurts. My heart has always gone out to you and now, I appreciate your example and willingness to share your experiences more than ever.

On Sunday at church, I had the opportunity to sit in on a lesson about forgiveness. It was exactly what I needed to hear because of a current struggle I'm facing.

During the course of the lesson, my mind pondered several points of interest that were pertinent to my mental wrestling.

*I thought of several people, who throughout the course of history, forgave their offenders for horrific offenses. Corrie Ten Boom forgave the people who tortured and murdered her family and even shook the hand of a man who actively contributed pain to her sister's anguished last years.

About 5 years ago, the Amish community suffered agonizing loss and heartbreak when a man chose to brutalize and then end the lives of several of their daughters in a school house where they were suppose to be safe. The man then turned the gun on himself. The response of the Amish community? They whole heartedly embraced the man's widow and his children, who were certainly victims of consquences from choices they had no part in making.

A New York woman, several years back, was seriously injured and disfigured when a couple of teenage boys, as a prank, threw a frozen turkey into her windshield while she was driving. At their sentencing, she pleaded with the judge to show them mercy since a prolonged prison sentence would more than likely ruin their lives.

Above all, the forgiveness shown by Jesus Christ, while dying on the cross, is the world's most perfect example of it. Even after been beaten, scourged and betrayed, he made the active choice to not only forgive, but to plead for his offenders' to be forgiven by His Maker.


*So why is it so hard for me to forgive sometimes when nothing I've ever had to endure is even remotely close to what these people experienced? AND why is it that it's the people who are the most connected to us that are, at times, the hardest people to forgive?

It is no secret that I proudly wear my heart on my sleeve. I have no poker face and can relate to Cocker Spanial puppies everywhere: When I see people I love, I become so happy, I shake sometimes. If I had a tail, it would be whipping back and forth at about 352 miles an hour. If it were socially acceptable AND hygenically sound, I'd probably lick people in the face until they are dripping wet. I only stop short of peeing on the floor.

So what happens when it feels like every time I make myself vulnerable to certain people in my life, I leave their presence nursing an emotional slap in the face and why can't I let it go? It's not like they cut off my right arm, or my pinkie toe for that matter?

Through several moments of consideration during the past few days I think I've come to a conclusion as to why I'm struggling so much with this situation. It is this simple fact: Friendship (and meaningful relationships) can be equated to each party possessing a bucket of water (or glitter shaped as hearts, sequins or such). Each time you empty your own bucket to fill the other, usually, the other person will fill your's right back up. The cycle continues as your friendship deepens becoming a more meaningful relationship. Am I right?

Unless, of course, each time you empty your bucket a little for another, they seem dead-set on dodging your refills and actively throwing away anything you try to give them. Then it becomes a bit painful to make those refill attempts. Worse still, is when you realize that person seems to consider themselves far superior to you and has no interest in seeing what you have to offer.

I generally try not to get offended. Sometimes, it's hard and takes active, persistent proclamations to yourself, "This is not worth getting upset about". But my fault comes after the whole bucket-filling scenario, when I no longer make that choice; whether out of emotional exhaustion or simply, my ego and feelings are just too hurt.

A great way to illustrate this is my relationship with He-Man, my super-hero of a husband. He's so good, so kind and truly one of the most forgiving people I know. He doesn't hold grudges and very rarely gets angry. With that said, he happens to be brutally honest (a trait I admire so much in him) and refuses to take things too seriously, often finding humor in situations that to most, only are funny after a cooling off point....He rarely offends me or hurts my feelings (I must leave in a margin for pregnancy and periodic womenly issues). But, he recognizes, more than anyone, that his frankness can rub people the wrong way at times. Yet, his comments, input and observations about myself rarely hurt or even bother me because he is so good at filling my bucket to overflowing...with not only heart shaped glitter but also with sequins AND such. It's a beautiful thing.

So what is the answer to letting those snubs and prickles go? For now, I'm praying A LOT for perspective and compassion. It gets more difficult to be angry at a person you actively pray for. There are still issues that may need to be addressed sometime in the future, but I'm finding myself able to separate the real issues from the things that just tick me off because I'm mad.

The solution to this dilema is a work in progress and involves another element that was articulated in the Sunday School Lesson. It is to also forgive yourself, which can be so incredibly difficult.

I've come to the conclusion that I must forgive myself and recognize that in relationships, my efforts will only go so far. My job is to make sure I'm cordial, respectful and loving in a way I would want to be treated by people who don't much care for me. I've realized that real, true friendship must be cultivated by both parties. If one party is unwilling to make the sacrafice to be vulnerable to a friendship, I can not go that distance for them. It's unfortunate that a real, honest, comfortable friendship can not be sustained in such an environment BUT it's not necessarily all my fault. Amazingly, I'm finding a lot of peace as I attempt to understand this better.

So, if I can continue to make progress in this regard and replace frustration, anger and hurt with peace, acceptance and the ability to move on, someday I might create my own materpiece in the art of forgiveness. For now, my canvas is a little rough and my paint strokes dodgy, but practice makes perfect, right?

In the meantime, I appreciate so much, those of you who have shared your experiences in dealing with this issue. You've helped me through your examples and perspective, my friends!