Stretching Myself and Conquering Fears...

Bunny and her best friend, Cousin J-Dawg

I'm about to reveal two of my major flaws that have always really bugged me about myself:

I'm commitment-phobic and generally terrified of babies.

Growing up, I was known throughout my town as a 'great babysitter'. I had regular, fantastic clientele and the kids and I would have a blast. I was absolutely confident in my abilities to entertain children over 18 months and was happy that it was my primary source of income. BUT, throw a newborn baby into that mix? I would go to pieces. Suddenly, I was utterly and hopelessly clueless. The family of kids who were use to "All Fun All The Time!" were now left with a bumbling, confused and intimidated babysitter.

That fear evolved when my closest friends began having children. These people I love much created another human was included in an already established circle of adoration. I was still frightened, but couldn't help but be thrilled at the little one's entrance into the world. When my good friend, Melanie had her first son, Christian, I remembering holding him, so elated to meet him and thinking "Okay, now I think I'm ready to have one of my own." (Up to that point, I was too scared to accept my husband's encouragement to consider making babies of our own.)

When I started having my own children, that fear evolved even further. I found myself completely enraptured by those sweet little ones...our babies! Yet, was very fearful during their first few months. Fearful of what, I do not know. I think it must have been a newborn's tendency to be completely dependent on someone else. That someone is me...who happens to be unbelievably clumsy.

Upon delivery my babies go to their newborn nursery to have other people bathe and dress them because I'm scared I'll do it wrong. In fact, the first couple of times I change my babies' diapers, I've made sure someone else was right there; just in case I do it wrong.

And then there's commitment.

When I was dating, if my relationship with a guy got too intense, I tended to go berserk...careful not to reveal how completely insane I am. I much preferred a guy to break up with me rather than reveal how nuts I am. Luckily, one of He-Man's super powers is X-ray eyes that see through the exterior. Essentially, he knew how insane I am when he married me. (That commitment-phobic story is for another time).

Some of my friends from that time period (the ones who still talk to me) can attest to the fact that I would push them away when I felt too committed or if I felt they knew me too well.
(I'd like to think I handle my insecurities better now based on the fact that I have amazing, beloved friends who I intend to hold on to no matter how geographically separated we are. That may, however, just be a testament to how incredible THEY are.)

The phobia of commitment comes from fear of several things. But mostly, I'm terrified of letting people down. Which is interesting since generally when I freak out, that's exactly what I do. but seriously, the following are questions I used to ask myself.

What if I get amnesia and forget that I love the person I marry? That'd be an awkward realization. Add morning breath to that and you've got disaster! (Have you ever seen '50 First Dates'? I could totally relate).

What if my OCD gets the better of me and I end up walking the city streets with no teeth, talking to myself, towel in hand, washing every single window I pass? Dressed in feathers...pink ones?

What if people realize that secretly, I would LOVE to drive a Pepto-Bismal pink convertible with enormous 'Barbie' decals on the side and live in a house decorated in polka dots?

I digress. I think I've made my point.

This past January, I had the opportunity to face these two fears. Wonder Woman, my sister-in-law, who happens to be one of the people I love the very most in this world, had the chance to go back to work part-time for 6 months for her past employer. She needed someone to her kids for part of the day to do this. I adore her and her children so I absolutely agreed to do this.

(One of the amazing things about WW is her unbelievable unselfishness. I suspect that part of her motivation in accepting this job was to help us out financially since we were really concerned at that time about money.)

She has 3 amazing boys who I love almost like they were my own kids. One who happened to be 4 months old at the time...who happens to be a very smart baby who has a pension for stairs. Fear of newborns. Check.

She needed someone to commit to reliably babysitting for 6 months. Fear of commitment. Check.

What if we were forced to move to Zimbabwe at the last minute or something?! What if I broke my leg and had to be in a full body cast?! Not a very effective babysitter, huh?! What if, I got pregnant and sick or something?

Well, I found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks after I started babysitting. The responsibility I had to her and to those boys became a great blessing to not only me, but to our entire family. I had to get out of bed on the days when I felt wretched. (An amazing thing about putting on your 'game face' is that you really tend to feel better.)

We were faced with several worries and concerns over the course of the past 6 months. Yet, focusing on the task at hand, helped to keep me grounded and not as fearful. On the days when things got really rough, Wonder Woman seemed to know. She'd stay to chat and her happy spirits lifted mine.

Bunny and WW's son, J-Dawg, have always been kindred spirits. This past 6 months served only to make that friendship stronger. Button Nose became completely enamored by their youngest, Bug, and really honed her big sister skills. As for Sunshine and their oldest, Pokemon, they seemed to really relish in the opportunity to be helpers when they were home from school. They are such natural leaders and possess a great desire to do good. This trait of theirs always humbles me as a parent.



6 months later, a commitment to beloved family has been fulfilled without anything terrible happening that would cause me to let them down. Our kids have created stronger ties with their cousins and although I didn't think I could love those boys any more than I already did, I do. I'm so proud of who they are and feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to get to know them better.

This morning, Bunny came to me and asked "When J-Dawg gets here today, can we play this game?"

When I told her he wasn't coming over, she asked me, ever so sweetly, "But why?" After I explained, she walked away a little bit sad. I was too.

It's been a good 6 months.

Everybody loves Texture Time!

I forgot to take off Button-Nose's dress!

Bug is as happy as can be!

Rock Painting

J-Dawg paints a masterpiece.

This is how Button-Nose's hair usually looks in the afternoon when she takes out her pigtails.

Bug loves J-E-L-L-O!

Pokemon experiments with the many facets of Jigglers.

Bunny likes Jigglers too!