Replacing Worry With Peace

Robert Robinson, an 18th century Methodist minister, wrote what I believe to be one of history's most profound and beautiful Christian hymns, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing". I'm sure I heard it in passing as I grew up, but I will never forget the first time I really listened to it. I was entirely caught up in the moment and my heart was so filled with joy. My usual need to be doing something, being busy, left and I just sat to listened to the melody but even more to the words.

I immediately felt the need to research the hymn, wanting to know who it was who wrote such a sweet, heartfelt anthem to his Maker. I was impressed by how this man truly must have been in deep communication with deity, through prayer on a regular basis, actively trying to build a relationship with his Savior and must have been living in a manner that helped him construct poetry to God able to withstand the test of time. Robert Robinson quickly became one of my heroes for what he's given humanity, and more personally, to me.

Popular legend has it that near the end of his life, he was a broken man. Apparently, one afternoon, as he was riding in a stagecoach a random woman also riding, who was humming his hymn, turned to him and commented, (and I'm obviously paraphrasing), "What a beautiful hymn. Isn't it wonderful?" To which Robinson is said to have replied, "Yes, I am the author of that hymn. Madam, if only I could now feel a measure of the peace I felt at the time I wrote it".

It's heartbreaking to me that Robinson felt such a way later in his life. I often wondered what could've transpired that would have made him feel so far away from the point when he wrote "Come Thou Font". Why was he thought to be so broken and sad? If this truly was his fate, what happened to him?

If the story is indeed truth, I wonder if he became so consumed with worry over the troubles and struggles he was facing. Remembering that story, I've worked so hard to avoid such despair in my own life. Yet, in some ways, recently, I've felt as though I can relate to that feeling of being consumed with worry, grossly unable to look upon the bigger picture.

Recently, my beautiful birthday twin, Lindsay, sent me a great book about a woman who, in her darkest hour, reached out to an unknown higher power, and poured her whole soul into a prayer. In the quiet miracle that followed, she found peace, even while being surrounded by a terrible storm. Although her description of the higher power or God she discovered is different from mine, she realized He was the reason she felt so much peace and love. It reminded me of a universal truth: Around the world, transcending religion, race, creed and circumstance, billions through the ages have prayed to God; however they choose to identify and relate to Him.

I've been praying for years. The benefits of answered prayers have been constant companions in my life. Lately, however, I've felt like something was missing and I couldn't help but think I was missing the mark. It was really bothering me because as much as I prayed, I was still allowing my worries to consume me.

Then yesterday, as I attended church, we read from a sermon given last year by a leader of my religion, Elder David Bednar, on prayer. Reflecting on the words he spoke as well as the life changing experience of the author from my friend's book, I realized how mechanical my prayers have become lately. Elder Bednar encouraged praying for others and expressing utmost gratitude are vital to meaningful prayer. The author of my book reminded me of the importance of sincerity in prayer. (She found herself alone, contimplating ending her life when she made a last ditch effort to pray. She did so and prayed harder and more sincerely than ever before in her life.) I'm convinced that part of the reason her prayer was answered was because of her complete and simple sincerity. Perhaps I needed to recommit myself to these things.

And so, I renewed my efforts, contimplated many of the worries that have been weighing me down for a while and acted, or shall I say, prayed. Amazingly, I felt a fresh understanding and the weight of worry lifted a little and was replaced with a measure of peace I've been longing for. It is at that point I was able to make a mental list of my most pressing worries and found immediate relief. Even if those worries wouldn't be resolved right away. I made a mental list which helped me identify my feelings of great tumult...

My husband's career. After 8 years of school, he's been faced with heartbreaking disappointments and the exhaustion of working 80+ hours a week.
The Resolution:
He-Man is making great progress in his practice. He's healing his patience, new people are finding him, his practice is growing and he's a good doctor. He has two jobs. He's employed and meeting our financial, spiritual, physical and emotional needs. It is inappropriate for me to fail to see the great blessing in this. I realized that my worry over this is that it's not happening as quickly as I was hoping. Since when are things required to occur with in my ideal time frame?

Location Limbo. Have you ever had that feeling of not quite knowing whether you are in the right place or not? If you have, then you probably get this. Maybe it's because we're renting a home we know is not going to be available for much longer or because He-Man and I have great ambition to live in Europe or simply because we tend to be nomadic and neither one of us has ever stayed in one place for very long.
The Resolution:
We really do love it here. We are surrounded by family and an extraordinary neighborhood of friends we cherish. We will eventually need to relocate but won't lose the friendships and now is the time to appreciate every moment we have here whether or not we end up planting roots in the area. For me to worry about what happens next wastes so much energy I could be expending (and enjoying) on the here and now.

What I perceive to be the dying friendship with someone I care deeply for.
The Resolution:
I understand relationships evolve, as they should. Sometimes, as personalities refine, even those people we love the most find their needs best met elsewhere. And it's okay. I know we will always love each other and perhaps that needs to be enough.

My children. I'm told regularly by a person I love that "[one of my children] wanted to be an only child and that her ideal would be not to have siblings". When I was first told this, I was scared that it may be true. Now it just makes me angry because I know it's not.
The Resolution:
I refuse to accept that as a remote possibility because I firmly believe that my two oldest, as much as they argue lately, are destined to be best friends. I've been consumed with worry that I won't know how to help them get to that point. Yesterday I was reminded that I won't be able to do it alone. I'm not expected to either. I need to ask for divine intervention and inspiration to know how to refine both of these beautiful girls.

And so, it is a new day and new week. I've got a new resolve to do better and my fresh start has been good. I know that as the week goes on, that is when my habits would make it easier to be complacent. BUT, I'm going to try. Although nothing physical has changed yet, my mental state has and that's all the change in the world I need right now.