Broadening My Horizons With Near Public Nudity...

When I was 15, I competed in the Miss Teen of Utah Pageant. Even then, it was totally up my ally. The dresses (which thankfully have become less fluffy and more classy with time), the makeup, hairspray, tairas, petroleum jelly on various body parts, etc. were all part of the over-the-top magic that makes me happy.

Since then, I've attended such pageants to support friends who've possessed a similar love of such competitions. So naturally, when my fabulously and awesome friend, Heather, invited me to the Mr. Utah Competition, to show support for one of her students, I thought, "YES! Why not?! It's been a while since I attended one. This was totally going to be a blast!"

I took this as an opportunity to get gussied up for a night on the town with one of my favorite friends of all time and off I went...

You'd think it would occur to me that "The Mr. Utah Competition" was a little different than the beauty pageants I was accustomed to when we were walking through the parking lot and saw a man who, if described as "sunkissed", it would have totally been an understatement. The man practically radiated the sun's (or tanning bed's) UV rays.

It wasn't until we walked past a large window, displaying about a half-dozen extremely beefed-up men in colorful speedos that I realized, "Hmm, this isn't necessarily a 'pageant'." As it turned out, it was, in fact, "The Mr. Utah Competition" which is, a body builder's contest. Duh.

The following are observations I came away with:

1. In general, the men and women competing in this competition were more naked in public than I've ever been in my life...except for the beach I thought was a 'nude' beach incident...just kidding.

2. It's a very good thing that it is customary when these individuals walk on stage to cheer, hoot and holler. Otherwise, booing and jeering at naked men seems a little cruel and a bit of a downer.

3. Perhaps, this is a great place to pick up individuals of the opposite gender. Although, a person would need to be careful about the pick-up line, "Hey, do you work out?" Unless of course, that person wouldn't mind being labeled 'moron'.


4. Seeing the shiny, metallic speedos worn by the men and women alike, I renewed my resolve to one day find that perfect swimsuit complete with rhinestones and sequins...with a matching hair piece for when I finish swimming.

5. Upon leaving the competition, I couldn't help but be completely amazed by the versatile anatomy of the human body. Seeing the cause and affect of lifting massive amounts of weight over a long period of time on different muscle groups is incredible. It made me wonder if, similarly, hitting yourself over the side of your head repeatedly, over long periods of time with a cast iron skillet would change the shape of your skull. My conclusion? Most likely. And be accompanied by significant memory loss...and a mild headahce.

6. Consider youself over-dressed and out of place if you wear a dress with stockings and heels and are cherubically white. You'd blend in more by applying a "tan in a bottle" in the shade of 'flourescent orange'.

I hope these observations do not make me appear disrespectful of the accomplishments of these individuals. I was particularly impressed by Heather's student, who is a senior in highshool and has found something he is dedicated to and passionate about. So I really have no intention of lessening or making trite these feats of physical strength. It's really quite impressive...besides, I really don't want to make any of them mad.