Walking Down Memory Lane...Part II (an unabashed, ebarrassing glimpse into my past)

I, being of a sound but completely freakishly over-organized mind, pilfered through my memory boxes a few weeks ago. I was stunned at what I found. I went on a journey through time, as it were, to discover that I have indeed, come a long way, baby!

Exhibit A: A Kmart ad saved from the day I was born. Wow! Who knew how NOT sexy a horizontal striped tank top and trousers up to a man's nipples would be 30 years later? (I'd like to hope I would have) Also, there are black socks for 68 cents!! Pretty darn cheap, huh?! Too bad I limit my husband's use of black socks...

He-Man and I made a pact with each other when we got married...He is allowed only to wear black socks with his suits or the dress slacks he wears to work. Under no uncertain terms is he allowed to wear black socks with shorts or jeans, pajamas or sports gear. This stems from a traumatizing image from my childhood, burned into my brain, of a very old man in his undies and black socks with garter belts around his calves. Right now, if I close my eyes for too long, I'll give myself nightmares....In return I vowed to never wear a bikini if I weighed over 400 pounds (stemming from a traumatizing memory from his mission).

Exhibits B: One of my favorite 'stuffed-up friends'. Perhaps becoming a completely, over-the-top, all frills, girlie girl was not entirely environmental. This was one of my first animals so maybe this confirms that I was born overtly girlie. Notice the use of permanent eyeshadow in the form of bright pink nail polish and of course, the lip stick. Maybe that's why we didn't own a real cat!! Now that's wisdom on the part of my parents.





Bunny so generously offered to model my favorite dress for this picture. I remember feeling like a movie star in this thing. I wore it to first grade at least twice a week before it's retirement. Of course, the shoes were stunning too. I chose a good soled tennis shoe that I could run in, while chasing boys.













Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but there was a time...I actually found this stuffed in my stocking on Christmas morning one year. My brothers were snickering and trying to steal it to make a boomerang and my mom was tearing up and saying something about how her little girl was "becoming a young woman".

Exhibit C: My treasured Barbie magazine. During the summer of 1986, I carried this everywhere. I read it over and over. I wanted to be Barbie on that deserted island, with the erupting volcano, saved by Helicopter Ken, in her fabulous multi-colored bathing suit. The last page of the magazine is a mail-in order for like 1,001 jelly bracelets. the girls on the advertisement were wearing 999 of them. I wanted those bracelets soooooo bad because I was convinced my arms were long enough to wear all 1,001.













Exhibit D: 3 years later, Johnny Depp and Corey Haim were my HEROS and I wanted to be Debbie Gibson (Johnny Depp was my secret hero though, because I wasn't allowed to watch 21 Jump Street). I coveted my friend, Julie's, New Kids on the Block paraphernalia and I stole my mom's bright blue eye shadow to wear at school.


















Exhibit E: What do you get when you leave a perm in already naturally curly hair 30 minutes too long? Answer, my eighth grade year and a rat tail (Please don't hate me!!) I would have forgotten this misfortune had my mom's best friend not decided to cut my hair to resemble the back side of a duck a year later. Considering that was my ninth grade year, it was cruel and unusual punishment. The lady was never allowed to touch my hair again after that.



Exhibit F: A picture from my first overnight girl's camp experience. Since I haven't gotten permission to list the names of the girls in this picture, they will remain nameless.













Exhibit G: The reason my smile doesn't currently scare small children.
These totally grossed He-Man out. I actually relented and threw them away right after this picture was taken. Notice part of the retainer is missing. It was eaten by the dearly departed Cocker Spaniel, Cinnamon as revenge for forgetting to take her outside for four days while her family was on vacation.

Exhibit H: My very favorite shirts from high school. Evidence that having a tasteful sense of fashion doesn't always come easy. Notice the brands? Gitanoe and Bonjour...yikes! And I thought I was high courtier with those!

Instant poll: What do I do with these? Should I keep 'em? Burn 'em? Donate them to science?




Exhibit I: My best high school picture. I struggled with photogenicness. It's a struggle (perhaps it was what I was wearing--see Exhibit H), but I loved this picture. And, since I was exploring memorabilia around Halloween, I tried on my cheerleading uniform from the picture and actually fit in it! Not like snugly either! Like I-can-exhale-and-inhale-comfortably! Wahoooo!












Exhibit J: Behold, the coolest, most important piece of clothing you needed to own during our high school years in Dugway....



Ready? Scroll Down...you may want to put your sunglasses on...

























Seriously. I'm not even joking.

Question: Who, on this earth, looks good in a jersey gray, intentionally enormous sweatshirt? I wanted one so badly, I swiped this from my older brothers closet since all my extra funds were spent on poms-poms, bloomers and uniforms. Unfortunately for me, I mustered up the courage to raid Peej's unmentionables AFTER I graduated and moved out of my hometown. Apparently, no one outside of Dugway understood the gloriousness of this incredibly unflattering article of clothing and considered it simply a ratty old sweatshirt. Sheeesh!! IT DIDN'T EVEN HAVE SPARKLES!!

Exhibit K: This one isn't so old. A card from our first anniversary. I still want to be Barbie. Maybe not living on a farm or, actually, maybe. I just want to look fabulous doing it.

So there you have it. Would I have taken away any one of these things to somehow, erase past faux pas? Not a chance.