This entire summer has been a tough one. An internal battle (all out war) has raged within me. Sometimes the antagonist wins, sometimes the protagonist (hey, that's me!) wins. Sometimes, it's a draw. I have identified myself as the hero so now you may wonder what the antagonist is. It's a tricky, formidable opponent that I would perhaps respect if it weren't for the havoc it has wreaked in my days this past while...actually probably not.
It has sneaked into my life occasionally before, but I have always been able to vomit sunshine onto it and it goes away. Maybe that is my superhero power...to vomit sparkles and sunshine on all the villians....hmmm, that is quite the visual. Oops, I have digressed. The villian in this case is despair. At some point in the past little while I let despair creep into my heart. Often, the seeds of it can be choked out but, for some reason, I have let them take root and become stronger than they should have. Last week, my nemesis won the battle. It all came to a head on Sunday afternoon. I was so angry and sad. I wasn't even mad at anyone. I was just miserable. I couldn't stop crying and my poor, super hero husband was trying everything to help me be happy again by helping me do what despair wouldn't want me to do: count the many blessings in my life. UG! I wanted to punch him in his lovely face.
I was so mad I wanted to scream. I was mad that He-man works 80 hours a week to pay our bills. I was mad that I was exhausted from being a mommy to kids 24/7. I was mad that the world doesn't know how great of a doctor my husband is. I was mad that there was toothpaste globbed all over the bathroom sink I scrubbed right before I went to bed the night before. I was mad that I couldn't eat a glorious cream filled doughnut. I was mad that sometimes there is something stuck in my teeth when I go out in public. Ug! I was just so mad!
After talking to He-Man, I realized that those things don't matter as much as the fact that I allowed myself to get so angry that I would let toothpaste irritate me so much. Yeah, some of the things we have had to deal with this year have been rough. Honestly, most doctors who open their own practice deal with the same scenario. Eventually, they make it and they are better people for going through what they went through because of it.
Things have been rough but I think it snowballed when He-Man didn't get the job in Hawaii. It wasn't a big shocker that he didn't...he was not very qualified, but I sure wanted it. BUT Since when does wanting something mean I'm going to get it?
That afternoon, I remembered that I can't let despair win. I'm stronger than that. I'm a happy person. I was born to vomit sparkles and sunshine everywhere however obnoxious it can be sometimes. My kids and husband need me to be happy. I need me to be happy. So that is what I am going to be. I know things will get better. Someday, He-Man will be able to help so many people with his skill for healing. Someday I will be a published author who gets to tell children stories with lots of sparkles and sunshine. Funny thing is, the internal struggle to always be happy will be there. We will find ourselves in different settings. The cast will be added to and there will be different struggles BUT I am going to win.
Top Things that have made me happy lately:
Button Nose is taking her first steps!
I ripped out the cupboards in our kitchenette (thanks to a certain brother-in-law), painted with a beautiful textured paint and paid homage to the Oregon beaches I miss so much, by creating a beach themed breakfast nook. We didn't get to move to an exciting beachfront property but I can eat my breakfast and pretend I can taste the sea spray. I even have a candle burning called "Skinny Dippin'". I just don't think our neighbors would appreciate it if we actually did go sans clothing. Shucks, I probably wouldn't have the guts anyway.
I got caught in a torrential rainstorm while running a week ago. It was GLORIOUS! It's been so long since I have played in the rain. It's a really good thing that I wasn't wearing a white tee-shirt.
He-Man and I talked for hours listening to the crickets chirping on Sunday night. Part of the time we even laid out on the grass watching the stars come out...until the critters started biting.
Sunshine and I finished the second Harry Potter. Although I read it years before, we were both so riveted we couldn't put it down and read through the morning.
Bunny thanked me for being her mommy and asked that if her cousins' houses got crunched by a giant who stepped on it, they could come live with us since Cortney and Jarom are her best friends. She was delighted when I assured her that would be just fine.
I cranked up the music after my kids went to sleep (because they will sleep through just about anything) and danced like a spazz in my living room.
12 comments:
THANK YOU! I feel the same way! Just today I told myself how blessed I was and to quit feeling sorry for myself! I honestly can't tell you how much you have helped me and inspired me to do better. Please call me soon, I would love to chat! You are amazing!
ps do you care if I totally copy your music? I love it!
ps do you care if I totally copy your music? I love it!
Okay, so I feel bad that I chuckled a little while reading your blog...not at your pain mind you, but your ability to write so...overly creatively! My favorite, because it so describes you and gives a perfect visual, is the vomiting sunshine bit. Trishelle I LOVE YOU and you are an amazingly strong woman! Seriously...get going on those books, it is your DESTINY!
-Hey- I'm coming to Utah this weekend. Think we can meet up?
Call me!
Oh Trishelle!! I wish I was there to give you a BIG HUG. Just consider it done. :)
I love the image of you shooting out sunshine and sparkles (although vomiting them could be strange-looking...). It works perfectly that you're paired with He-Man. :) Now we just need to think up a good Super Hero name for YOU. Hey! You could be Rainbow Brite! Isn't that what she did? She shot out sunshine & sparkles?? He-Man marries Rainbow Brite....
I want to see pictures of the kitchenette!!
About Harry Potter -- are you reading it to Sunshine or is she reading it to you? I REALLY want to read them with Autumn but I can't decide when to start. I know once we start we won't stop and I want to make sure she's old enough to handle the darker stuff by the time we get to Book 4 and beyond. What do you think?
Thanks for venting, sometimes it is nice to know that we all feel that way sometimes. :)
I want you to come back to Oregon and vomit sunshine and sparkles all over my home!
It was so interesting to read this, it was if you were saying exactly how I was feeling, but I can only hope to be half as happy as you are. You ARE the cheer Meister, but it's okay to have a few bad days to. I think a great way to get rid of those mountains made from mole hills is erosion (crying them away). I've been struggling to see the good lately, the good that is always there even when there is bad. I lost it the other night too and just bawled for a few hours with my poor husband totally baffled. Come to find out, the next day, all four of us had step and I had a kidney infection on top of it that has not gone away after 5 weeks and I was totally overwhelmed trying to take care of everyone and wanting to take better care of myself and forget everyone else for a day. And then I was frustrated because I really didn't want to spend anymore money on medical care. Anyway, thank you for sharing this. I really do need to go count my blessings instead of running to my closet to have a good cry. For one, we finally got good medical care (blessing) and we might be feeling better by the time we land in Chicago for a few days away (business and pleasure and someone else paid for it - blessing). See, I feel better already. Thanks for your good example!
Trish, you are an amazing example. I know you don't see it, but you are, and even at your most "down" moments, you are always a light to me. I love you!
Your post reminds me of scenes with my sisters when we were teens:
The code words, said in a despairing tone, "Today I feel like such a toad...,"
brought on the invariable answering response, "It could be worse..."
And so began the one-upmanship of slowly contriving progressively worse things that could be or might have happened on such a "toady" day.
But it wasn't a guilt-laden experience of wallowing through all of the world's woes and trying to feel grateful that you are carrying your bucket of them rather than someone else's. It usually began that way, but it ended more like a lark -- a hilarious promenade down a doomsday road that only could be traveled by Murphy.
And the crowning statement that always sent us into gales of laughter: "It could be worse...you could have an elephant sitting on your head!" (This MUST be said in all seriousness, with very matter-of-fact foreboding, for the desired effect. If I were more tech-savvy, I'd send you a wave file so you could catch the inflection!)
Somehow, once we got to the elephant, the despair was lifted. The game was up.
Who wouldn't feel better, knowing that she had once again escaped that blasted elephant? :)
(PS You don't know me; I'm Christine's sister in TX. She might not remember the game, but if you were to say to her younger sister Esther, "Sarah says it could be worse...you could have----" she would surely remember that big grey guy! He got us out of many a "toady" spell.
Question: If it really WERE worse, and you really did have him sitting on your head, could you still vomit sunshine? I have to admit, the visual makes me chuckle!)
Thought of a funny "could be worse" scenario -- especially about your rant on lack of cream filled donuts:
It could be worse...you could be directed to take in 5000 calories a day as a lady in our ward (Church congregation) was. She was expecting quintuplets, and was told she needed to gain 100 lbs before the babies were born.
The Dr. told her to pack on the calories, forgoing salad...and most veggies, for that matter...so she could make every bite count. She said it was great fun--for a week. I can't even imagine trying to take in that many calories!
How many cream-filled donuts to make up 5000 calories? I think I'd rather take the elephant.
Here's her blog: http://wilkinsonquints.blogspot.com/
Thanks for sharing your frumps. It's nice to know there are others out there who understand.
Oh my Trishelle, you are a marvelous person with a marvelous husband.
You have no idea how many lives you bless every single day just by being you. Life will reward you in spades for all the good you do, I know it. Keep the faith.
And keep on vomiting sparkles and sunshine and counting your blessings and letting us all do just a little bit to buoy you up when you're despairing. Love you.
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