All Hope CAN NOT Be Lost!

We experienced a not-so-unexpected blow this week. I have finally been able to gather my thoughts and gain composure enough to share. Interestingly enough, I find it easier to write about the experience on my blog, rather than rehash the bitter details in person.

As a side note, I have been advised to be careful when it comes to revealing information...So I decided to make this even more fun and give my family code names. They are as follows:

My strapling husband will now be referred to as He-Man
My oldest daughter will go by the name of Little Miss Sunshine or Sunshine for short.
My middle daughter will go by Bunny.
My baby girl will now be known as Button Nose.

As many of you know, He-Man finished graduate school and is now a chiropractor building his practice in a semi-independent working environment. It has been slow, but onward and upward we go. He-man got a second job to supplement his business until it picks up which means we REALLY miss our fun family time.

In the meantime, He-man has been applying for various positions, trying to improve the situation or at least give us a couple of options. One possible job opportunity stuck our for me. It was a job on a Naval base in HAWAII for a contracted chiropractor which is along the lines of what He-man wants to do.

Although he was less qualified because of the limited years of experience he currently has, he was encouraged to apply because of his past experience as a massage therapist. So he did. It was about 25 pages long and a rather tedious process but he got it done.

Although I knew it was a REALLY long shot, I hoped something would come of it, in spite of how obscure the possibility was. It wasn't just about the location and the amazing opportunity it would be for our family. It meant an end to our current, seemingly endless situation. It meant stability, something we haven't really enjoyed since before we moved cross country for grad school. I wanted it so bad I could almost taste the salty sea spray...

The news finally came on Monday. He-man was home for lunch, so I grabbed the keys and headed out to grab some things from the store. As I was backing out he said the painfully obvious words, "The position in Hawaii has been filled". "Oh, okay", was all I think I said. I was really surprised at how anti-climatic is was. I continued to pull out of the driveway when Bunny came running out the front door screaming, "Momma, don't leave me!" She's a preschooler so she doesn't get out nearly as much as her older sister. I recognized the 'get me out of the house' look on her face because I see it in the mirror a lot lately. I was happy to oblige.

I meandered through the isles I needed to get through and paid for my purchases. I was feeling more and more crushed by the news and felt a sudden urgency to get away from public places partially because I wasn't wearing waterproof makeup and I felt a meltdown coming on. I got in the car, started driving down the road when the emotions could not be bottled up any longer. Have you ever tried so hard not to cry that your body shakes and you can't speak? Ug, that was what it was like. Unearthly sounds resembling snort-sobs came uncontrollably from my body and my poor preschooler, with great concern on her face asked, "Momma, why are you making those noises?" That was it. It just all came out. It's amazing we got home in one piece.

Once parked, Bunny ran back into the house, relieved to have gotten out. Knowing, it would have crushed He-man to see me crying like this I secretly cried with wild abandon for several minutes in a place I could be alone. I couldn't believe how this obviously unsurprising news turned out to be so devastating. The response we got was everything we were expecting to hear! So why was I taking it so hard?! It was because it took away the hope of immediate improvement of our career situation AND I felt so strongly about encouraging my husband to apply for the job. I had put him on a wild goose chase! Self doubt reared it's ugly head, looked me straight in the eye and won the staring contest.

After composing myself I felt surprisingly better and went into the house. That's when an amazing thing happened. I took a nap. All that crying exhausted me and I laid down thinking I would close my eyes for just a second....

When I woke up, my first thought was, "I love this beautiful, upstairs bedroom overlooking the tallest tree in our backyard. I love this house we are renting from my in-laws, with the veggie garden in the backyard and the fact that if we were homeowners right now, we would certainly be in foreclosure." I went downstairs to see my two oldest children laughing at something they were doing together. Later that night I was reminded how much I love this amazing neighborhood where everyone takes care of each other. I love how handsome my husband looks in his slacks and button-up collar shirts. I love that he is good at what he does and people from all over the neighborhood seek his help and medical expertise. I love my baby who smiles a gigantic smile every time she sees me.

All hope can not be lost because I still have these things. How can I possibly allow myself to be grief stricken about something that wasn't mine to mourn when I have been so bountifully blessed by my Heavenly Father?!

And so, I ended the day feeling better than I had at lunch. As an extra bonus I decided to stop sporting the Sasquatch look and finally shaved my legs, gave myself a french pedicure and eat strawberries I almost forgot about.

All can not be lost because things will get better and even though I have long, gangly E.T. toes (He-man affectionately named them after that ever so friendly alien's fingers) they are awfully pretty painted.